Source: http://www.glossynews.com/
“In light of recent disturbing events like the global recession, the outbreak of H1N1, the ban on Canadian seal products, I fear a zombie attack is imminent,” explains Rosie Magellan of British Columbia, Canada. “So I’ve developed a Zombie Emergency Response Plan, or ZERP as I like to call it, for my community.”
“After the zombie movie Shaun of the Dead came out on DVD”, she continues, “I frequently heard the actors from the film stressing the importance of having one’s own plan for a zombie attack. I didn’t give this much thought because, well, they’re actors. What do they know? I mean, I have a Ph.D. in Comparative Syntax of Extinct Languages so I’m confident in my knowledge of everything. However, given the downward spiral in the state of the world, it’s only logical that zombies will be the next plague that hits us. My apologies to those young men for doubting them”
I am sitting with Rosie in the living room of her wood frame bungalow. She lives in a village on a lake, nestled in the central interior of British Columbia. “I feel compelled to share this information with my American cousins. Even though we live in different sociolinguistic regions, there may be certain aspects of our ZERP that you can apply to your own.”
“The nearest city”, she tells me, “is 96.315168 miles away, I converted that from kilometres, so we’re a bit isolated. This means we’re on our own in an emergency. We have three seasons: winter, not quite winter, and July.
With this in mind, there’s one feature of a zombie we can use to our advantage. Zombies lack the ability to feel physical discomfort so would be unaware they were becoming hypothermic. Lacking the sense to come in out of the cold or put on a coat, they would eventually develop hypothermia in cold temperatures. The effects of hypothermia are weakness and loss of muscle co-ordination. This would slow down the zombies, even immobilize them if temperatures were cold enough, providing a safe and easy opportunity to knock their brains out.”
Rosie picks up a book that looks strangely like an owners manual for a Plymouth Voyager. “My husband and I each wrote sections of this”, she says, and begins to read.
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